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Saint Peter addresses this guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?'
The guy replies, 'I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City.'
St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.'
The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary Church for the last forty-three years.'
St Peter consults his list.
He says to the minister, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.'
'Just a minute,' says the minister. 'That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?'
'Up here, we work by results,' says Saint Peter. 'While you preached, people slept, while he drove, people prayed.
Getting Into Heaven
A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that it's not easy to get into heaven.
There are some criteria that must be met before entry is allowed. For example, was the man a church-goer or religious? No?
St. Peter told him that's bad.
Was he generous, giving money to the poor or to charities? No?
St. Peter told him that that, too, was bad.
Did he do any good deeds, such as helping his neighbor? Anything? No?
St. Peter was becoming concerned.
Exasperated, the Saint says, ‘Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, here! I'm trying to help. Now think!'
The man thinks for a minute, then says, ‘Well, I did help this old lady once. I came out of a store and saw that a dozen Hell's Angels had taken her purse and were shoving her around. I threw my bags down and got her purse back, then I told the biggest biker there that he was cowardly and I spat in his face.'
'Wow,' said St. Peter, 'That's impressive! When did this happen?'
'Oh, about 15 minutes ago,' replied the man.
Bran Muffins
This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.
As they 'oohed and aahed' the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'It's free,' Peter replied, 'this is Heaven.’ Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, 'what are the green fees?'. Peter's reply, 'This is heaven, you play for free.' Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out.
'How much to eat?' asked the old man. ‘Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!' Peter replied with some exasperation. ‘Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?' the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, 'That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.'
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, 'This is all your fault. If it weren't for your bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!'
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