Just some Monday mirth!

Jesus is watching you . . .

A burglar broke into a home and was looking around.
He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you".

Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search.
Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you".

He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage.
He asked the parrot if he was the one talking
and the parrot said, "Yes."

He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, "Moses."
The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
The parrot said, "The same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus".

 

* * *

The Magician and the Parrot . . .

A Magician worked on a cruise ship.
The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks
over and over again. There was only one problem:
the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began
to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, 'Look, it's not the same hat!' or 'Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!' or 'Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?'

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... and then 2 days... and then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could hold back no longer and said......
OK, I give up. Where's the ship?

 

* * *

Grace before Meals . . .

A man decided to skip Mass one Sunday and head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both his legs. That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, and he couldn't move. "Oh, Lord," the man prayed, "I'm so sorry for skipping Mass today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish . . . Please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!" That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the man's feet. "Dear God" the bear said, "Bless this food I am about to receive."